Minding My Own Business

Something occurred to me when I was grumpy. It was one of those tedious days in the saddle when the cue sheets are too long and the wind is too strong to get spinning. We’d also gotten a really late start, which annoyed me. I basically loathe lateness of any kind.

I noticed my mind lashing out at Stirling about nothing, and for no particular reason. Making up things to blame him for; stupid things that I can’t even remember now. Like, maybe, why didn’t he decide faster if we should use Bike Map or Google Maps for this stretch? Truly petty, pointless things that my irritated mind was prattling on about.

Finally I noticed this committee of annoyed and extremely annoying brats in my head. As I’d learned to do when Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, I disrupted this train of thought. I started to focus on myself. On my body. On my thoughts. I actively acknowledged that I was irritable, tired, and discontent in that moment. I started minding my own business.

Refocusing on myself, my inward (pointless) nagging of Stirling disappeared. As did much of my annoyance, because I started to feel the wind and sun and sensations. Keeping the focus on myself allowed me to be a more present and pleasant partner.

This action, in turn, led me to a larger understanding.

I began reflecting on the origins of this project: at first I thought that we were going to figure out a communal set of behaviors, or secrets, that we could mutually agree upon and co-create each day. That this collaborative agreement is how we would “create a loving marriage that lasts.” On one level I think this is true; we both need to participate in our marriage. What has shifted though, is the part that I am responsible for.

Initially, I thought I was responsible for the “we” part. But I realize that I can only take responsibility for myself. The only behavior and decision making I can control is my own. On that tedious, windy, tiring day, for example: Stirling wasn’t doing anything in particular; I was the discontent one who was internally creating problems. The aspect of that unpleasant dynamic that needed to change was me.

It’s ironic, but at this point it appears that the “secret” to a loving, supportive partnership is to mind my own business, and keep the focus on myself. Keeping the focus on myself allows me to change what I can and so show up to our partnership more fully. What I can change is me.